Directed by Kenneth Branagh

Written by Connor McPherson and Hamish McColl, based on the novel by Eoin Colfer

Starring Ferdia Shaw, Josh Gad, Colin Farrell, Lara McDonnell, Nonso Anozie, and Judy Dench

Runtime: 95 minutes

Rated PG

Since theaters are closed in many places and barely operational in many others due to the COVID-19 pandemic, Disney opted to premier Artemis Fowl on Disney+ instead of on VOD, which is what most studios are doing in an effort to recoup their budgets and to get their films out to people when they know people have the time right now. This has been such a good model that some studios are actively considering day-and-date releases on VOD and theaters once this is all over and life can resume with some degree of normalcy. This is an odd move, considering most people don’t even get around to watching their rentals and have to pay again to see it, but Disney will not get their sweet, sweet box office and video rental monies from Artemis Fowl. It’s possible that they realized it would have bombed in the theater or possibly that they just wanted it out as widely as possible. It was a smart move, considering this film is a total misfire from moment one.

Artemis Fowl is about a 12-year-old genius boy, Artemis Jr. (Ferdia Shaw) who must save his father from fairies that have kidnapped him in an effort to get a device Artemis Sr. (Colin Farrell) has in his possession which happens to be the source of the fairy’s magic. Then the Fairy Army (led by Judy Dench) is after him, but they’re not connected with the kidnapper, they’re on a whole other thing with Fowl which ties in but is honestly a largely separate story. With all that in mind, the plot isn’t overwhelming, mostly because it’s all handled with kid gloves and works hard not to be all that confusing for younger kids. This success, however, comes at the cost of virtually all character development making it nearly impossible to care about any single one of these characters. Connor McPherson and Hamish McColl had a tall order when they started writing this (they’re the only writers credited, though the film has been in development since 2016) because it is a beloved series for many people (full disclosure: I’ve not read any of them), like the Harry Potter series before it. The trouble is, it feels like they went through the book and just found the important scenes and put them into the movie, like a Cliff’s Notes version of the story (like what Gary Ross did to The Hunger Games). And then there’s that dialogue! The actors in this film have to say some of the stupidest things ever uttered in a film. There is an exchange between the kidnapper and someone who was in prison for something (not disclosed in the film) and she wants him to spy for her:

                Him: I spy?

                Her: You spy or you die.

That’s actual dialogue. From a huge-budget film that seems like it wants to start a franchise. The writers also leave out what feels like a lot of information regarding backstory of many of these characters. There is a lot inferred and referenced that was never directly addressed on screen. It gives the impression that this had been much, much longer and was sheered like a sheep so only the barest of plots remained.

But the script is just the first problem of many. One of the biggest is Kenneth Branagh’s joyless, barely present direction. Branagh approaches this film like any of his other non-Shakespeare films, which is to say, with no spirit whatsoever. He’s marvelous when he’s working on the Bard, but on anything else, it just feels like he’s there for the paycheck. He was as uncomfortable as a director here as he was with Thor, not really committing to any one style but rather adopting a ‘kitchen sink’ approach and just hoping something works, real feet up kind of direction. He has no semblance of timing throughout the picture, making the 95-minute runtime feel like it’s as long as Heaven’s Gate (but at least that was ambitious). There’s no momentum propelling the film forward, the plot has to drag the damn thing behind it like it was a dead albatross. It is disastrously paced, horribly episodic and wildly unfocused.

Then we get to the performances. Woof! Judy Dench’s voice sounds more like Mercedes McCambridge when she voiced Reagan in The Exorcist. More than that, she sounds like Bob Dylan or Tom Waits with a sore throat. Josh Gad’s voice is also very raspy (in fact, he comments on both of their rasps and it is the only funny line in the film) and the tunneling sequence…scared me. I’ll never speak of it again. And Shaw just stands there and delivers his lines like he’s so bored to be there. He’s unexpressive and uninvolving, but I’m not sure that can be blamed on him. In fact, Branagh’s direction is a major contributor to the dreary performances. No one is having fun, except maybe Gad, and his fun looks a little forced.

And the topper of it all: weak visual effects. The CGI in this film is so bad it makes the movie look 20 years old. The troll looks just like the clunky one from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone and almost all the animated characters have sticky, jerky movements. Everything that required some level of computer graphics looks like pre-vis renderings at best and at worst, it looks like a computer animated TV show from the early 2000s. This level of bad is embarrassing. I have no idea how most of this got past the first supervisor at ILM, let alone be stamped with approval from Branagh and the studio heads.

Artemis Fowl really wants to be a lot of different movies at the same time. It throws vibes of early Harry Potter films (the Chris Columbus ones, specifically The Chamber of Secrets, which is the weakest of the entire series and the one that Branagh was in), Ender’s Game (remember that one? I try not to), Ocean’s 11, and A Wrinkle in Time. Now, having not read the book, I can’t say if those vibes run through the books as well, so I can’t be certain that these are not just elements from the book (Harry Potter was essentially Star Wars, which was essentially Greek mythopoetic archetypes). It’s a shame that it aspires to so much and succeeds at so little. It’s boring, dreary, ugly to look at and painful to sit through. Skip this one, even though you don’t have to pay for it.